22 May 2013

not such a happy pretty story today

it's been a pretty emotional time for me lately. i suppose sometimes it just works out that way, where things seem to pile up without you noticing.

my dad is at the end of his life. i haven't had the closest of relationships with my dad over the years - to be truthful, my dad and i are very alike and as such used to butt heads a lot. he has been unwell for a long time and seeing the affect that slow decline has on my family, especially my mum, is difficult to watch. these emotions sit quietly in behind everyday life, always there simmering and building.

then this week a friend confided in me how her whole life has completely imploded due to the spoken word of one person and the devastating situation that has evolved. she is in such state of disbelief, shock and sadness. she was one of those bubbly, friendly people, and now that part of her is gone. i feel completely and utterly gutted for her. 

i'm not sure if you know (i don't really talk about it) but i'm a regular volunteer in community services and while i was at the local men's homeless shelter yesterday (i volunteer in the kitchen preparing and serving meals) a fella who would have been in his late 30's, came up to thank us for the meal he had just received. he said he had really enjoyed the meal and wanted to apologise for not being able to finish it. i could see he was ashamed that he was throwing the remainder in the bin. he was so sincere and softly spoken, he just about broke my heart.

really it was a just a small thing, but that kind, softly spoken man, who must have suffered in his life in ways i could not imagine made me think about my life, about me.

i wouldn't describe myself as an "emotional" person - whenever there is a crisis i'm the one that people rely on. i think logically, i keep my emotions separate and work out a solution, but today i'm really appreciating just how lucky i have been throughout my life so far. i'm being emotional for a change.

like just about everyone, i've not had an easy ride, life is definitely a tricky road. i've worked hard, had many hurdles to get over and some raging rivers to cross, but until today i've taken for granted my ability to deal with situations that i encounter in the way i do, and i shouldn't. this skill (or whatever it is, i really don't know) is not something everyone has or maybe they did have it but it was taken or chipped away by what they have witnessed or encountered during their life, or a maybe it's just luck?

i don't know, but what i do know is that today i feel grateful, just for being where i am and for being strong enough to get here.